DREAM WORKS @ UNFOLDING MYSTERIES

Many of the frustrations that we experience in life come from dealing with people. How often have we heard the statements ‘The job would be great if it wasn’t for the customers!’, ‘The boss is so difficult!’, ‘I can’t relate to so-and-so’? Getting other people onto the same wavelength as ourselves and persuading them to do what we want them to do is one of the most valuable Skills in the workplace. Indeed, for any manager it is vital!


Motivate – Don’t Manipulate

Effective leaders know that in order to motivate a person it is important to find out what motivates that individual – money, promotion, job satisfaction, recognition and so on. What sort of lifestyle does the individual want? What does he or she really enjoy doing? What are his or her hobbies, pastimes, etc?


Having found out the answers, you need to show the individual how to get what he or she really wants.

Motivation is getting people to do something because they want to do it: manipulation is getting them to do something because you want them to do it.

The difference between good leadership and poor management is the difference between motivation and manipulation.



Emotional Intelligence

In order to motivate effectively you have to have good communication
with an individual, and you also need to be aware of emotional intelligence (EQ).

EQ involves not only understanding and managing your own emotions, but also, recognizing emotions in other people so that you can handle relationships. You need to have empathy with other people and also to be self-aware so that you are able to be sensitive to others.



The five characteristics of EQ

■ Self-awareness – to assess your abilities and your feelings,
because they guide your decisions.

■ Self-regulation – to make your emotions a spur, not a distraction. Self-regulation will also help you to hold out for better results.

■ Motivation – to provide the fuel that drives you in the pursuit of your goals. You must have goals and believe in them.

■ Empathy – to win support from others because you have tried to understand how they feel.

■ Social skill – to enable you to read social situations, to have manners, charm and grace and the quality of leading by example.


The most important aspect of effective communication is the ability to stimulate enthusiasm in others – from your own Dealing with People enthusiasm, the way you speak, the tone of your voice and your body language. Genuine enthusiasm is irresistible and very persuasive. We are all drawn to people who demonstrate passion and enthusiasm, be it on TV, radio, face-to-face at meetings, parties or wherever. Enthusiasm is like a magnet.




Praise where praise is due

There is nothing like a word or two of praise to make someone feel good and maintain their enthusiasm, and consequently their performance in the workplace. Too often people are quick to find fault, to criticize and carp. They have a totally negative attitude which kills ambition, destroys confidence and erodes creativity.

Criticism is only acceptable if it leads to positive communication that will eliminate errors and enhance performance. So instead of saying, for example, ‘That design is awful; it won’t do at all’, try saying ‘I can see how you’re thinking, but have you considered this approach…?’

We all feed good when someone congratulates us on a job well done. Our confidence grows and our self-belief is enhanced.Just as important are our feelings about the person who has delivered the praise: inevitably, the relationship will have been reinforced.

Nevertheless, remember that praise and compliments must be deserved and sincere. And do distinguish between praise and flattery. One of the best definitions of flattery is telling other people what they already think about themselves.

Criticism is only acceptable if it is constructive.

Praise is sincere; flattery insincere.


An obvious example of the amazing effects of praise is something that parents do naturally with their children. Parents want their baby to smile, so what do they do? They smile and keep smiling until the baby smiles. Immediately they get a smile, the delighted parents demonstrate loads of enthusiasm and praise, and the same sequence is repeated through all the stages of baby development – crawling, standing, walking and so on.

Parents develop a ‘you can do it!’ attitude towards the child, thus encouraging his or her progress. Then, when the child is mobile, praise appears to decline and the negative takes over – ‘Don’t touch’, ‘Don’t go too far away’, ‘Don’t go there’,etc.

If we are really honest, we should acknowledge that in our daily lives we neglect to give praise, for example to a partner for some kindness, or a child for some achievement at school.


We are so wrapped up with ourselves and our own pressures that we forget to show appreciation to a colleague or family member. Without doubt, giving praise and appreciation helps other people’s self-development, and is a guaranteed way to help us to become better communicators.

The distribution of praise and criticism brings us back to EQ and the importance of being able to empathize with every member of your staff – or, if you are a member of that staff ,with your boss. Feeling empathy is absolutely vital if we are going to achieve effective communication, and therefore quality performance.


So always bear in mind that every member of your staff is an individual, not a robot, and be aware of each one’s quirks and characteristics and way of doing things. Don’t try to crush the cocksure, headstrong individuals who think they know it all –give them their head from time to time, but don’t let the reins out too far; give them praise, but don’t let them think they’re
Invincible.


And if you have someone who is shy and unsure ,but shows potential, give encouragement; make that individual know that he or she is a valuable member of the team.
Whoever you are dealing with, make sure that you can empathize with them. Identify each person’s good points and shortcomings, then develop the former and reduce the significance of the latter through effective interpersonal communication.
Honesty


Without doubt, giving praise, appreciation and encouragement is a sure way to get the best out of people and at the same time to become a better communicator yourself. One certain way toreduce people’s perception of your ability to communicate is by being dishonest.

Does a particular salesperson give you a confident or safe feeling because he or she is honest, telling you the way it is? Do your colleagues feel they can trust you? Does your boss trust you? Honesty and integrity are winning qualities, and they are also major attributes of the effective communicator.


The 21st century is creating huge opportunities for us all to live longer, play more, travel more and achieve greater financial security. It will also see a revolution on some of the bad communication practices which became so prevalent towards the end of the 20th century – the spin, the soundbite, the innuendo

– all of them under the banner of misinformation that became associated with governments and large corporations.

Misinformation can only lead to communication breakdown and negative attitudes, and should be avoided at all costs.


Assertiveness


Now comes that rather frustrating A-word: assertiveness. Some people cannot master being assertive and others have mastered it to such a degree that no one does anything until the master assertive barks-Saying ‘No’

One aspect of being assertive involves being prepared and able to say ‘No’. Now, some people are always saying ‘No’ – it’s one of their favorite words – and these people achieve very little.

On the other hand, a person who cannot say ‘No’ becomes unable to cope, and consequently unable to perform or achieve effectively. This leads to excuses, a defensive attitude and stress.

These people are also indecisive and in the long run will lose the trust and confidence of those who live and work with them.

To say ‘No’ is really very easy. Just say it, when you really feel you cannot or do not want to. In many cases, you don’t even have to justify your response or give an excuse.

There is a story about a man who asked to borrow his neighbor’s lawnmower.

His neighbor replied ‘No, I’m sorry, you can’t.’ ‘Why not?’, was the response, to which the neighbor replied ‘My mother -in-law’s ill.’ ‘What’s that got to do with it?’, the man asked, and his neighbor replied ‘Nothing, but one excuse is as good as another.’

In communicating at work, saying ‘No’ usually requires an explanation so that other people will understand your reasons and realize your workload and the pressure you may be under.

Remember, though, it’s not what you say, but how you say it. ‘No I can’t because… ’ is all very well, but your intonation and facial expression can make all the difference between getting a response or a reaction. Try this out in front of the mirror and see for yourself.

If you don’t say ‘No’ and then don’t act, you let yourself and your colleagues down, with the result that you build a reputation for being unreliable. You cannot build a relationship of mutual respect by always giving in and not saying ‘No’.

Being assertive does not mean that you have to be overbearing, domineering or dictatorial.
Being willing to say ‘No’ and saying it in the right way is terribly
important.

Some people do this because they fear aggression and conflict, and want to be liked, but in the end frustration builds up and they become aggressive, defensive and consequently disliked for asking why

In many instances confrontation can be avoided with compromise– let’s trade – how can we achieve a win–win situation? Very easily: use that wonderful word that children use to drive their parents to distraction: Why?


Adults simply do not use the word ‘why’ enough. When used with the right tone of voice and prefaced with appropriate words it is extremely effective and can prevent a great deal of conflict.

■ Do you mind me asking why?
■ That’s fascinating; why do you…?
■ I was just thinking, why is this necessary?
■ Can I ask, why now?

To have any chance of influencing, you have to find out the other person’s thoughts, or agendas, or pressures.Whenever there is a doubt or uncertainty about a request for you to act or make a decision, ask why the request has been made.


Accept the fact that a lot of people’s communication skills are weak or even lacking. As an able communicator,you have skills you can use to help others communicate effectively.
You can also draw people out, give them a chance toexplain in detail, and help them to share their feelings and emotions. When you understand this, and develop your own


Get into the habit of asking ‘Why?’ personal style, you cannot help but be more able to influence people.



Be direct

Some people believe they are communicating when they drop hints in a roundabout way and hope the other person is getting the message. This is not the way to deal with people and it very rarely works. In most cases the hint is not even taken, and even if it is it quite often gets the opposite response from that intended, because the other person thought you were getting at something totally different. It is a very negative way of communicating.


Act on advice

Another negative way of communicating is asking for advice and then never acting on it. If you do this constantly, the person whose advice you have sought will come to feel inferior and worthless. It can also lead to frustration.

The sales director of a large company once told me ‘I always listen to what my reps have to say, then I do the opposite’. One of those reps, whoever heard him, later said ‘Yes, that’s exactly what he does, and as a result we never have enough product to sell!’ This particular company had an extremely high attrition rate, and constantly hiring new people cost them a fortune.



In summary,

Remember, that everyone has their individual characteristics and needs to be treated accordingly.

Bear in mind the importance of EQ, apply it properly, and your communication skills will improve accordingly.

The way you deal effectively with one person will not necessarily apply to the next one.


P o c k e t R e m i n d e r s

■ Find out what people want
■ Show them how to get it
■ Everyone wants to be appreciated
■ Enthusiasm is irresistible
■ Develop your emotional intelligence
■ Praise works: flattery gets you nowhere


(Source-excerpts from Book- Communication to win –Dealing with people by Richard Denny)